Looking at President Donald Trump or listening to him speak one would hardly think one was in the presence of the Devil himself. But such is Trump. His seductive promises of a great America, with preserved freedoms and more money in citizens’ pockets, or the building of a hundred-foot wall on the southern border paid for by Mexican rapists, or whatever other snake oil he’s most recently been peddling, have unfortunately been shown to have swayed millions into his dark thrall.

That is why CNN has taken a brave and courageous step to save Americans from themselves and their own judgement, which has been shown to be lacking. Much as only an experienced exorcist is able to properly handle demonic forces, so is CNN equipped to shield the public from the beguiling forked tongue of President Trump.

To protect citizens from this threat, CNN has taken action to cut Trump off during news conferences or speeches and instead go to one or more of their distinguished talking heads to paraphrase what he has said, thereby correctly interpreting his countless false, dangerous statements. The public is then spared the corruptive influence of this master trickster, and provided only with the straight facts as CNN sees them. Any surely misleading supportive statistics or reports quoted by Trump or his underlings will be left out of this coverage so as not to confuse the viewer.

CNN’s service to these ends is not limited just to filtering the President, but extends to ensuring that others whose words and deeds are beyond reproach – such as Democrats, for example – are not unduly inconvenienced by the harsh light of unwarranted journalistic scrutiny, and that Americans are therefore not unduly distracted by same.

Thus whenever some action by some Democrat is misconstrued and mendaciously sensationalized by Trump or his minions as unwholesome, unethical, self-serving, or simply incompetent – such as the covering up of a corroborated sexual assault allegation against a presidential candidate; or encouraging the patronage of Chinese restaurants mid-February in the pandemic’s hardest-hit city, by its mayor; or the encouraging of large gatherings in San Francisco’s Chinatown at the end of February by the Speaker of the House – your humble servants at CNN ensure that the public only hear the correct and true version of events. Of course in many cases this is best achieved by ensuring citizens hear no mention of said events whatsoever.

We should all thank the brave journalists at CNN for saving us from merely hearing news “reported” in such a way that we might have to consider and think about it ourselves, and instead doing the thinking for us.