In a heartfelt message delivered across all networks and platforms containing any Chinese technology – that being, every mobile device, every television, and every computer and tablet –  Chinese President Xi Jinping tried to help make us all feel a little bit better about the COVID-19 virus.

The General Secretary’s message surprised many with the way it just popped up on screens, but according to a poll of citizens taken afterward by China’s official state publication Xinhua News, the message Xi delivered was universally well received. 

By Western standards somewhat long-winded and meandering, at some point during the third hour the pertinent point the Chairman made was this: “So far, 150,000 people worldwide have died from this terrible virus. But if we think about it, of 9 billion people in the world, that still leaves 8,999,850,000 that remain alive. It’s all in the way one looks at life. Confucius said, if we must see the mug as half full or half empty, let us all agree that this one is half full.”

It is a mystery how the Chinese Communist Party was able to interrupt and take over our devices, but in a media scrum outside the White House President Trump reassured Americans, saying “America’s electronical engineers are the greatest geniuses in the world. The greatest. They’re so great. And they’re working harder than anyone has ever worked before, to make sure this communist Chinese tyrant – who I get along well with and is really doing a great job – can never take over our devices again.”

Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau had rather a different spin. He lauded Xi, saying “In these times of uncertainty, fear, and anxiety, it’s a pleasure to listen to the calming voice of wisdom. To put Mr. Xi’s message into a Canadian context, that means almost all Canadians are mostly alive, and mostly well. That is a powerful message of hope for Canadians. And I hope all Canadians will join me in applauding President Xi rather than criticizing or blaming him in these difficult times, saying such terrible things about him as the President of our neighbour to the south did today, and furthermore, I’d like to add, for Canadians …”

The Prime Minister went on at some length, exceeding President Xi’s message by over an hour. In fact it felt even longer, but perhaps that’s because Canada’s not yet finished deploying all the Huawei-supplied infrastructure it’s purchased for 5G.