Japan has appealed to the International Olympic Committee to obtain at least a partial refund on the bribe money it paid the organization as part of its successful bid to secure the 2020 Summer Olympics.

A high-ranking Japanese official, who wished to remain anonymous as he has not been authorized to speak on this topic, explained: “Japan bears a great financial burden in preparing for these Olympics. We allocated certain amounts of money for facility and infrastructure development, marketing and promotion, in addition to the bribe money, and the rescheduling of the Olympics has increased the difficulty of the monetary hurdle that must be jumped over.”

An IOC member, who for reason of anonymity we will call “Mr. Brook,” replied to Japan’s request with the air of haughty condescension normally reserved for Frenchmen of good breeding (which could be considered cultural appropriation as “Mr. Brook” is not in fact French). Following a disdainful laugh, he explained he was not at all interested in fencing with this writer on this issue and proudly defended the offering of “gifts” to IOC officials as a tradition spanning the more than a century of modern Olympic Games.

“We did not return bribes for the Olympics cancelled during WWI and WWII. We did not return bribes when the U.S. boycotted the 1980 Olympics in the USSR or when the USSR boycotted the 1984 Olympics in the U.S. (even though that move was already by that time ‘so four years ago’).”

However, the IOC’s refusal to repay any of the bribe money has left many countries pondering whether their own bribes for future Olympic Games should be reduced – as a hedge against the likelihood they are the nation unlucky enough to be the one hosting an Olympic Games the next time China’s 1500 year history of combining international trade with their peoples’ long habit of consuming plague-bearing rodents once again unleashes a pandemic upon the globe.